iknowyoulikeit

I faintly heard the doorbell ring and had to peek out my bedroom window to be sure my diamond studded ears weren't deceiving me. Sure enough, the UPS truck was parked in my semi circular drive (damn, I left the gates open again). I dashed down the stairs, across the freshly polished marble floors, my spiked heels clackity clacking all the way into the foyer. Out of breath, I opened the door to find the handsomest delivery boy standing there with a box wrapped in red foil. Well, it could only be the infamous Valentine wrapping paper of Trashy Lingerie. "Oh yes", I thought to myself, "It's Valentine's Day". This would explain all the flowers left outside the front gate and the endless messages expressing undying love and adoration. You see, when one is idolized in the City of Angels, she does not go without being constantly reminded. I know you common folk wouldn't understand what it's like to have strangers throw themselves at your feet and I would hardly expect you to. But that's another story for another day. Anyhow, instantly sensing the delivery man was more intersted in delivering his package rather than delivering a package to me, I swiped the box from his hand, flashed my right nipple, and said, "Here's your tip.......don't take candy from strangers", and politely slammed the door. Still standing in the foyer, surrounded by pure wealth and beauty (myself included) I tore open the card. It read simply, To: Pat, I worship you,  Paris. Since the day her nasty little chihuahua was nipping at my ankles in Bergdorf's, she's tried pushing her way into my social circle. That being said, I ripped open the package and there it was, wrapped in the finest crepe, a red silk THONG! Without wasting a minute, I had to try it out right then and there. Luckily it was a "I'm not wearing any panties day", so I hiked up my skirt and unravelled the silk and string. Much to my shock and horror, I noticed something. Something DIRTY!!!! Paris had sharted in my beautiful thong. "That DIRTY BITCH!", I thought to myself. Standing there, skirt hiked, hooch at attention and holding a filthy thong, my lips began to quiver (get your mind out of the gutter. Not those lips). "No, I won't let her make me cry", I demanded. "I am woman, I am invincible". I dropped my skirt, and instantly screamed for Maria. In her timid south of the border way, she came running, eager to be at my beck and call. I commanded her to defacate in the very box that this mess of a thing had arrived it. Whimpering, she did as she was told. I re-wrapped the box, contacted UPS and immediately shipped it to her. Needless to say, I'm expecting a call from her any day. Paris, if you're reading this, no, you're not invited to my Academy Awards party!!!!